Suicide Squad Review

SS“I made the movie for real people who live in the real world. I made the movie for people who actually love movies and go and see movies” – David Ayer, 2016.

Ayer astutely and quite correctly exposes that I, as a movie critic, completely despise cinema. I really can’t think of anything worse than to sit down for ninety minutes and watch this pathetic visual medium obnoxiously crowd my retinas in a blasted attempt to somewhat mimic remotely successful entertainment forms like reading, or watching paint dry. I am also, as Ayer says, not a ‘real person’ and I do not live in the ‘real world’; in many ways I am just like our leads in ‘Suicide Squad’, a fictional construct created by Ayer. In lieu of this, please don’t take any of the following criticism seriously. The movie, after all, wasn’t made for me.

To start with a positive, Ayer has truly pulled off something masterful in DC’s latest cry for attention as it’s slicker, more charismatic cousin Marvel so selfishly hogs the limelight. Fuck you Marvel; amiright Ayer? Yes, the director himself as done something we rarely see on screen, turn a film into a psychological meta experience. Ayer and his team of editors have ejaculated an explosive orgasm of on screen graphic bios, hip hop pop music juxtaposed with the deadly serious grit of Midway city and a bipolar storyline that cannot and will not settle for any kind of focus or tone for longer than two minutes. Ayer has truly gifted people who actually loves movies by giving us a glimpse into what goes on inside the Joker’s head so we can fully understand the madness of his character on a more personal level. However, because I hate movies, the result of this incoherence proved not to be a psychological meta experience for me, but rather a frustrating headache. I feel like Ayer and his team approached the editing software in a manner not entirely dissimilar to walking into music class in high school, tapping the ‘stock music’ button and wapping out some quality scream and car horn sound effects. This hardly comes as a surprise with the leak of this exclusive to Rae Reviews image of the DC editing studio:

dog

Rumour has it that the very same canine in that photo was also chief writer of Suicide Squad’s screenplay. You see, as a brilliant filmmaker who makes movies for people who actually love movies and having managed to pull off a glorious meta psychological experience, Ayer knows you DON’T NEED WORDS! Fuck writing, amiright Ayer? Suicide Squad never even tries to break its story beyond a first draft ‘we’ll leave that to one side for a few weeks’ concept. With lines like ‘they worship machines, so now I will make a machine that will destroy them all’, people who loves movies are spared the chore of actually having to think! Also, have you ever noticed how much energy it takes to laugh? I mean, with characters like a clown, a woman clown, a Will Smith clown and a witch, you’d think Suicide Squad would have a giggle here and there, but no! Ayer has so kindly spared us the energy of laughter by purposely squandering the vast majority of promise and opportunity of the twisted characters in a warped and absurd environment. Gee, that guy sure does love people who loves movies, doesn’t he?

The result is a Joker who pales (even more so than his bleached skin) in comparison to Heath Ledger, though such comparisons would be unfair. Leto gives it his all but unfortunately, due to scripting, the result is no more than giving your all in a furious falcon punch thrown at a train moving towards you. However, the punch probably still looked promising, as Leto’s clown prince of crime is certainly a better part of the movie with his ominous drop in drop out role. But that’s all it is; for a guy who allegedly sent creepy gifts to his fellow actors and apparently never left character, someone needed to remind the dude he’s only in it for five minutes and needed to chill the fuck out.

Will Smith is the only other standout with a storyline that at least threatened to pull my heartstrings. Hey, if I didn’t find movies abhorrent, maybe I might have even cried. He pulls off some typically ‘I’m Will Smith’ badass moves and typically ‘I’m Will Smith’s’ it all up in the squad, so he effectively runs the show. He’s accompanied by the ‘Martha’ theme from Batman vs Superman, a wonderfully heart wrenching piece from the original score that, for the most part, is stellar and makes much more sense to use than songs like ‘Purple Lamborghini ‘ and ‘You Don’t own me.’

DC are struggling. Marvel’s first movie wasn’t Avengers, they took the time to develop characters in standalone films before fusing them together and relying on our familiarity with them for our enjoyment. DC have immediately jumped into two of their own Avengers movies, ‘Batman vs Superman (vs Wonderwoman, vs Aquaman, vs the Flash et al)’ and this… You can’t throw all these characters into the mix, with no development and expect it to work.

Then again, Suicide Squad wasn’t made for me because I hate movies, so what would I know?

RAETING:
D+
I want to commit Suicide Squad.

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